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Today’s blog addresses the issue of emotional triggers and responses among couples, entitled,

Whose Issue is It?

Think back to for a moment to the time when your Mom, Dad, authority figure caught you and your sister, friend or classmate misbehaving. If it was you who got caught “redhanded,” your defense may well have been to point to your accomplice and proclaim, “She made me do it!”
Back then your proclamation may or may not have been true. Your Sister — let’s say she was older — may have pressured, threatened or otherwise forced you to to behave.

Now, fast forward to the grownup world of mature behavior, triggers and emotions. Let’s take the following scenario as an example: Eddie and Maya have decided that Eddie would stay home with their two pre-teen children this coming Thursday evening; Maya’s got a couple of college friends coming in from out-of-town and she’d like to have dinner with them after work. But when Thursday night rolls around, Maya finds it hard to pull away from her pals. Dinner becomes dinner and drinks, and before it’s over, Maya returns home at 1:15 am. The next morning Eddie voices his displeasure. He says to her, “You know, Maya, It’s really disrespectful when you say one thing and do another. You make me feel like you don’t care about me or the girls…” In response, Maya tries to defend herself and change Eddie’s perspective… “Come on, Eddie, you know I care. I just lost track of time…”

Did Maya mess up by coming home late? Yes she did; not much argument there. Was Eddie justified in having negative feelings about Maya’s mistake? Yes, but his feelings that Maya does not care about him and the family are subjective. His feelings are certainly reasonable, but Maya did not create them. Rather, Maya’s late return home served as a stimulus — that’s the somewhat dated clinical term — for Eddie’s emotional response. These days we’d say Eddie ‘triggered’ Maya’s feelings. In a sense those feelings were already in Eddie’s unconscious, laying dormant. They were then ignited by Maya.

So, whose issue is it? Actually, it belongs to Maya and Eddie. Both can work on it and actually leverage their partnership to resolve the matter and decrease the likelihood of it occurring in the future. Obviously, Maya can do a better job of keeping her word, returning when she says she will. She could also have simply called Eddie after dinner to let him know she intended to stay out. Eddie actually has a more challenging task but it’s an important one, both for his own personal growth and for the health of the marriage. For his part, Eddie can work on reducing the negativity of his emotional reaction. He can ask himself, “Is it true that Maya’s mistake indicates that she doesn’t care?” He can even go deeper into his own thoughts and attitudes by asking “What is it within me that makes respond the way I did?” So, while Maya works on the practical side of the matter, Eddie can tackle the emotional component. That’s a great example of a healthy, collaborative partnership at work.

Until next time…
Richard Goodman, LCPC
360 Therapy

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